I’ve decided that, I should instead be more receptive to her friendliness. I can’t continue to be a jerk, I feel horrible when I choose to ignore her outside of work. She’s not a bad person and neither am I. Though this is not in the hope that she’ll like me or for me to rekindle my feelings for her, because those are gone. I just can’t deal with the guilt I feel. The biggest question is how would I break the Ice? After all the damage I’d done is there even a way to return to the same level of talking, joking, laughter? I blame myself because I couldn’t bear the thought that I had damaged the friendship after that night, and that she would never look at me the same way again, nor I her, or the fact that she didn’t trust me enough to tell me she was seeing someone. Eventually after trying to mend this friendship, these problems got the better of me and I decided to cut her off.
* Ironic that as I write this, she texts me. Asking if I managed to take the pancetta out of the oven that she forgot about. She hasn’t texted me in months even about work related stuff. Recently she followed me on instagram. It saddens me that it has taken me this long to rethink this and in a month she will graduate, that’s too short a time to fix anything. I feel like such an asshole. I should know too, I know what it feels like to be ignored. So why the hell should I do that to anyone else?
Does it make me an asshole if she keeps trying to reach out to me, and I keep turning a cold shoulder? This weighs heavy on my conscience, but I just don’t think we could be friends again. How would I even break the ice to start talking again? Initially it was me that tried to mend things after it all went sour, and it was her being very cold. It was my fault, and I all but apologized on my knees. After a while it was natural for me to stop trying, and that’s where we are. I still talk to her about work related stuff, strictly business. There is no warmth, yet I still feel like a jerk.